Exercise sucks. Exergaming sucks. If you're a video gamer who has set a resolution to lose weight, you have a long, hard road ahead of you in 2014. Or, more likely, you have a very short one before you give up.
I can't tell you what my secret to fitness is because my secret to fitness saw me gain about 10 pounds in 2013, and it wasn't muscle. I do, however, have a longstanding regimen of actual video games I play to at least fool myself into thinking I'm actually fucking exercising. And I'm glad to share them with you!
The first is Red Bull Crashed Ice Kinect, whose limited aerobic benefit I discovered in December 2012. Look at me panting and red-faced and sweating in that video up there! Goddamn! That's gotta be doing something, right? I actually brought this up with Gawker fitness expert Hamilton Nolan at the holiday party last year. He stared at me like I had nictitating eyelids.
OK! So here's a regimen of games along with it that don't actually do shit for exercise but may fool you into thinking you are:
Fruit Ninja Kinect: This is usually my "warm-up" before my "work out" with Red Bull Crashed Ice Kinect. I play all the challenges until I fail one. Then I grope my triceps and roll my shoulders. Yeahhhhh. Lookin' good, dawg!
Punch-Out!! or Wii Sports Boxing: More awesome arm-swinging semi-aerobic exercise. By the time I get to Disco Kid I'm wheezing like I smoked a pack of Luckies. For Wii Sports Boxing, you get the most burn if you're playing against a 7-year-old with ADD who throws a fit when she loses and forces you to play until she wins. Not that I know such a child.
NBA Baller Beats: If you play this in an apartment where people live on the floor beneath you, you'll also get a real good workout when they come chasing after you with a Farberware carving knife.
NHL 2K11 on Wii: There's a skating skills mini-game in it that wore my ass out. It's kind of like Crashed Ice except you're moving your arms up and down with the Wii Remote and Nunchuk. Then you have to stop swinging as you steer through the turns and inevitably sled into the corner like Bob Probert is on your back. Like Probert, this game is also a son of a bitch. Should burn at least six calories.
This stupid fucking game. Baseball is the sport of athletes like Terry Forster and John Kruk. And anyone who played baseball in high school knows that 20 consecutive swings in batting practice is no joke. Getting Home Run Stars to recognize even one swing will be a test of your endurance.
Join Fitocracy. This actually might work.
Alright! Get out there! It's 2014! No excuses!
To contact the author of this post, write to owen@kotaku.com or find him on Twitter @owengood.