My Elden Ring: Shadow Of The Erdtree Player Summons, Ranked

I’m not even going to put their names in this piece, but they’re obviously at the bottom of the list. Unsurprisingly, there are shitheads who play Elden Ring, just like there are shitheads everywhere, and sometimes they try to bleed into your world to infect it with their racist rot. I accidentally summoned one of these assholes when I was spamming summon signs in front of Romina’s boss door after several minutes of being unable to pull a player through.

What’s even more unfortunate is that I beat Romina with one of these shitstains in my world—as I was complaining to my partner about this person’s name, the racist was eating away at her health faster than a grifter can make a ragebait thumbnail for Assassin’s Creed Shadows. Just as I realized they were going to kill her, I tried to throw the fight by running directly at her in the hopes that her poison butterflies and creepy millipede body would swiftly kill me, but it was too late. I hope that guy gets bed bugs.

This absolutely rotten troll invaded me immediately after I summoned someone for the big, multi-character brawl near the end of the Shadow of the Erdtree expansion. The brawl sees you and your allies (if you’ve made the right decisions and talked to the right NPCs, you should have a few—my stupid ass had one) face off against those determined to protect Miquella, and it’s a dirty little fight. Unfortunately, when LOLXD invaded me, it prevented me from starting that boss encounter. And when he immediately ran in the opposite direction, back down towards an especially difficult enemy stalking the steps, I knew he was being an even bigger dickhead.

Myself and my summon had to chase him for far too long, and just when he thought he had baited me into running off the edge of a broken staircase, I stopped and watched him fall to his death. Even though he died, he wasted a summons for me, as me and my compatriot had both taken damage and used flasks during this guy’s little prank. Fuck him!

I laughed as soon as I saw this Tarnished’s name and then I cried when they spawned in wearing no armor and were almost immediately two-shotted by Redmane Freyja in the aforementioned epic brawl. I appreciate that you were using a poison build, which made the Gusher name all the more relevant, but you had to have known she was going to merk you, why’d you get so close?

Everything in my heart and soul told me you’d absolutely wreck Metyr Mother of Fingers, an optional boss you can face after you complete a side quest for Count Ymir. Your name suggested that you’d be a god-tier hater, able to fell bosses with a single rap lyric or, perhaps, the two gigantic swords you were wielding. But you, sadly, got hit with one of her very painful physical attacks and died before she even reached the second phase. I summoned Kendrick, but I got Drake.

I loved your armor (I believe you were wearing Rellana’s, and fabulously, I might add), and the idea that you were a lady knight, but you were not very helpful. I think you were trying to get a feel for the boss (Bayle) before trying him out in your own world, and that’s okay, I get it. But I wish I wasn’t so low on Furlcalling Finger Remedies when I brought you over. I had to go make more!

Sushi Roll, I thought you’d help me with Bayle the Dread. I thought your good name and your funny hat were a sign of things to come, and that the huge-ass shield you were carrying would keep you safe. Sadly, you got aggressively stomped on by that bastard Bayle not too long after crossing the boss door, and in my distracted sorrow he hit me with a massive lightning attack and took me out shortly after. It was almost romantic, how closely in succession we died. I salute your efforts, but ultimately it was easier to beat the bastard with the iconic Igon and my Mimic Tear.

I see what you were doing with your name there, Haysooz, and I salute you. You were unable to help me in the big brawl, but seeing you pepper Hornsent with a slew of arrows had me laughing so hard it didn’t matter. You just stood back, firing arrows at him, his HP bar barely moving with each strike and only temporarily stalling him. You had the dude running at me looking like a damn porcupine, you put so many bolts through him. I’m not even mad that we lost—I was trying to see the screen through tears anyway.

Master Longchin wears the Pelt of Ralva (a big-ass bear you can encounter in Erdtree), wields a huge shield and hammer, and has a very long beard that I can only assume obfuscates his long chin. He also has a green face. He was with me when LOLXD invaded, backing me up every step of the way, and he stayed to help me with the massive brawl.

Sadly, I got hit with Moore’s Scarlet Rot jar and then kicked to death by Dry Leaf Dane, but I’ll never forget Master Longchin’s unwavering support. He was a real one, the first to chase after LOLXD, the first to take a swing at Freyja. His list of accolades is as long as his chin.

Unfortunately my PS5 didn’t capture my Messmer fight, and I forgot to write their name down, but to the person who helped me beat Messmer on my second try, I salute you. Yes, you mainly kept the heat off me so I could spam my gravity magic, but I couldn’t have done it without you.

After dying dozens of times to Midra, an optional boss found in the Erdtree’s horrible Abyssal Woods area, I finally took him down—with help. The Lord of Frenzied Flame is a tough fight, doling out a very painful flurry of attacks and a Madness effect that can easily overwhelm you. I struggled with him more than most of the other bosses in Erdtree, but with Voidborn Nyx at my side, we were able to beat this crazy old man’s ass into the ground. She had excellent dodge timing and the perfect build to whack at Midra up close while I spammed him with Comet.

Nyx helped me out while wearing the Swordhand of Night Jolan’s full armor, so I’m a little biased as I have a huge crush on the gruff-but-loyal knight, but her contributions to my Erdtree run cannot be underestimated. I am a Voidborn Nyx stan for life.

I’ve been purposefully dragging out my time with Shadow of the Erdtree, stubbornly refusing to actually try and beat the final boss, so I’ll update this list accordingly.